Here one minute...

I remember this day like it was yesterday…My son had decided to play football. He was just 8 yrs old and had never played before. We got all his pads and equipment together, I showed him which pad went where and he scurried off to his room to try it all on…he was so excited. About 20 minutes later, he sort of slumbered out of his room softly bumping in to the walls all the way down the hall. When he stepped in the living room, I couldn’t help but bust out laughing. He did in fact have the pads in the right places, but most of them were flipped upside down or backwards! Once we got everything straightened out, he said “I thought it felt pretty weird.” So began his football experience.

Well, last night, now a senior in high school, his team made it to the 2nd round playoffs for his division, but then lost by a very narrow margin. As I drove home from the game, I couldn’t help but think of that first time he had his pads on. Then I remembered driving him to practice, I coached his team 2 years in pee wee, all the advice I gave, games we endured during hot or cold times, and end of the season dinners. Now it is all over. No more “well next season we can try this…or that.” Last night was the last time my son will ever wear a football uniform again. That hits home, hard.

He has plans to go to college at West Point in 8 months and from where we live that is a long ways off. It is at least a plane trip and 2 days away. Plus in the military academy will not allow personal visits until Christmas. This is going to be a rough change. He is our only child and it seems like all the time we spent preparing…is over.

So as I see it now…every day is a step closer to the end. Every hour needs to be filled with a memory that will be cherished. I feel like we accidentally hit fast forward or something….one minute we were in line dropping him off at school and I got a hug and kiss…now he jumps in his car each morning and heads out, often times before I see him. So congratulations to me…I raised my son…now I want him back.

Addiction... or Attraction?

Now don't get me wrong. I know that addictions are an ugly multi headed beast with devastating destruction and an insatiable perpetuation. How do I know? I lived with my alcoholic sister for about 18 years. It was not fun. At all. I saw her go through some very sad and dark days. I saw her lose her identity, and her self-worth. I saw alcohol become her best friend, counselor and lover. They were not a good couple. It was only because she finally hit rock bottom one year that she got on a plane that night and left the state that she is alive today. And even now, we don't know what it was that scared her...nor do we ask her. She has done a perfect 180 and has now finished college (top of the class) got a great government job, and married for several years now. So that's a great end to that story, but unfortunately, most do not end that way.

But the thing I wanted to discuss is not addiction per se...but differentiating between addiction or attraction. According to Webster addiction is: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. Wow. That's some very serious and powerful words there! I hear of people confessing their sin of addiction to things all the time. Drugs, Sex, Alcohol, Porn, Food. etc. But then I wonder, are they really "addicted" or just attracted? If you smoke marijuana on the weekends or at parties, are you now "addicted". Personally I never got too far in to drugs. I always had more fun watching others make a fool of themselves. But my point is, just because something is wrong or illegal, does that make you an addict if you do it? If it is wrong for someone to look at pornography, and they look at it on their pc now and again, are they now addicts and have a problem with it? According to the definition of addiction, that would have to be one dedicated person to looking at porno to be enslaved to it at the risk of severe trauma!

I am not saying what is right or wrong here. I have my own convictions and know exactly where I stand on each issue, but I am wondering how many times people are confessing addictions that may not be full fledged addictions. Enjoying a meal and then worrying about if you gained weight as a result of the food you ate is something people do all the time. But I surely wouldn't call that an addiction. Now, if a person snuck downstairs at night to sneak food, or hide it in their car or drawer at work and risked "severe trauma" if they didn't have their food fix...well, that is a problem. But for someone who just enjoys eating and may eat too much...I am sorry ...but that cannot be an addiction in and of itself.

I think the Bible offers some very good lines of definition here. To put it very simply "ANYTHING to an excess is bad" including those things that may be considered GOOD. Exercise, hard work, vacations, going to church. If you do any of these to the point you are forming habits at the risk of "sever trauma" that can't be good! But does that mean my buddy Scott who looks forward to working out almost everyday is any less addicted to his workouts than someone who likes to go to the bar after work and have a beer or two. Why is one SO BAD and the other OK?
As for me. I will look at the things in my life I do and just make sure they are done in moderation. Now I am not saying it's ok to rob a bank once a week instead of daily, or to smoke crack only on weekends...I am saying the normal daily and legal things. I only ask that others not judge me as an addict because I am attracted to something. I hold myself plenty accountable for my actions and will govern them according to my morals and values. Thanks for understanding.

Never too late...

It was at the end of a long engagement that the day finally happened...no, not the wedding...but the point of no return! We had dated for 2 years, both graduated college and it just seemed natural and almost expected that we marry. So we got engaged, planned the wedding to the last detail..and then it hit me. Did I really want to marry her? Don't get me wrong, there was nothing "wrong" with her, but I just didn't feel the magic. I thought about saying something to someone...anyone..but then I just chalked it up to cold feet.

Then I met Carla. Carla was a gorgeous 24 yr old law student. We met by chance as I was selling door-to-door. We had an instant rapport and she was cute, fun and just the kind of girl I would ask out on a date in a heartbeat. BUT, I was engaged. It wasn't really CARLA herself that made me reconsider my plans...it was more like who she represented: a lot more Carlas! And if I felt this way about her, was I going to keep feeeling this way and regret my marriage decision? But then the day I mentioned came...it was now too late to change my mind. The invitations had arrived from the printer! My fiance' and I had mulled over the kind of cards they would be, the paper, the font, the wording...and now here they sat on my table. Printed. Done. I simply had no way out now.

So we married. I became great friends with Carla (secretly) although we were never romantic...though it crossed our minds more than once. Eventually, she moved and I moved on anyway. Then 5 years later, I divorced my wife. We didn't have knock-down drag out fights or even hardly disagree that much actually.  We were great friends, roommates and everything you would want in a great relationship...but we were not in love. We decided before we had kids or got too far, we would end it.

So how many times have you been at the point of no return? I am here to tell you that after having followed through with something, even when I felt it was wrong...don't do it! It always seems there are far more complexities LATER than BEFORE. I now believe there is a very fine line between cold feet and a second chance to rectify the situation. So be sure you are doing the right thing before you act. I look back and see times that I failed to reverse a decision based on very loose reasoning.

We are not martyrs doomed to live in a life of painful committments or confined freedoms. If you decide something...then do it.  But just make sure you are or are not doing it for the right reasons...what you FEEL in your heart. Although we can be misled easily by our emotions, sometimes they are just trying to tell us something! SO LISTEN UP! It is NEVER TOO LATE!

Artificiality: The Diet

I am full of ideas! I bet every day I have one to several ideas. But let me be honest, most of them aren’t worth sharing and some may even cause embarrassment. But I had an idea of a GREAT way to lose weight!


I did poorly in Biology in High School, so I am not sure how practical or possible this is, but surely it is worth pursuing. If in fact the sense of taste is a series of sensors in our tongue sending signals to our brain that something tastes sweet, sour, bitter etc, then why not figure out a way to trick our brains in to thinking something tastes sweet? Maybe it is a simple combination of a few harmless chemicals that send the same message to our brain that thinks a particular flavor has been experienced!

In the old days, we saw astronauts that ate food out of tubes labeled “T-bone steak and mashed potatoes” so apparently someone has thought of this before…so let’s make it so! I would be squeezing tube after tube of Rocky Road, or Warm Brownies and the likes, without having to worry about gaining weight. See, I just mentioned those dishes and I gained a pound...I felt it grow!

Then maybe we could also find a tube called “Happiness” and then later one called “Peace” and the yummy tube of “Good Marriage” and “Friends” yeah , let’s synthesize everything until we just stay at home eating tubes.

Ok, so now I have successfully convinced myself this idea sucks and I might even be embarrassed about it. Well, thanks for indulging me in the mean time.

Movies That Suck

Why is it that everything is about the "good ‘ol days?" It seems around every corner, someone is saying "They don't make them like they used to"...Movies, Cars, Coke...it seems like we keep diluting the real thing for something that is easier to make or is artificially simulated. I know for FACT that Coke changed their recipe when they came out with 'Coke Classic' which was supposed to be the exact formula everyone whined and complained about them changing for 'New Coke'. I had a green bottle Coke (those old enough reading this know what I am talking about) and a Coke Classic...and they were NOT the same! Not even close!


Movies seem to rely SO MUCH on special effects, they almost don't care about the plot or character development, just getting some eye candy out there that lures the viewers in. I remember when a movie preview was mostly the people in the movie and some general facts about the story. Nowadays, the movie preview is almost as produced as the movie itself, and often times uses some of the best scenes of the movie in it.

It really is unfortunate that people in this generation will never taste Coke as it was. Nor see many quality movies that stand the test of time...I mean really...who couldn't sit down and enjoy a good Hitchcock movie...but I bet the lines are going to be short to see 'Freddy vs. Jason' or 'Virtuosity'. I remember when I saw Indiana Jones and thought it was a masterpiece...then they made part two and totally keyed in on the things that people reacted to in the first one...especially the spider scene...so they made a HUGE deal out of plot-less, meaningless gooey insects and living meals and said "to hell with the story, let's make ‘em squirm!" Ugh! The one thing I DID like about the change in movies happened in 1983 with the release of Return of the Jedi...THX. I recall the screen before the monstrous sound blew us out of our seats...it said "...the quality of sound has remained unchanged for over 30 years" FINALLY! A visionary! Someone that recognized what could be IMPROVED upon and not just figuring out a way to do something faster.

How many times do we see a software package that has some good features, but could use some good customer feedback to make it perform better? But what do the publishers do? They release a new version that has MORE FEATURES instead of fixing the ones that were bad. It’s like complaining that a car doesn’t accelerate fast enough, so the next year they release a model with a bigger air conditioner and pen stripes. SO WHAT!? We wanted it to go faster…and instead they have added MORE features that actually even slow it down further…or my all time worst…they simply rely on technology to improve so that their program works better rather than spending the time to figure out what they did wrong and correct it. Am I alone in this?

So the next time you hear someone say “they don’t make ‘em like they used to”…they ARE NOT LYING!

The Fear of Men

What is it about the darkness that seems to draw me to it's void? Why am I so at home in a place where I am invisible? Light is like a repellant and the darkness is a refuge. I have a mild case of claustrophobia, and yet I am most productive working in confined areas. So where does this embracing of what frightens us most offer us comfort?

When Bruce Wayne was asked why he chose a bat as his persona, he said “Bats frighten me, it is time my enemies shared my dread.” The first time I saw Batman Begins, I loved the movie. I wasn’t sure what the attraction was, but I saw it over and over. It wasn’t until this past week I fully understood why it struck a chord with me.

As a bounty hunter by profession, I hunt at night since my prey comes out at night. I have committed myself to finding those who do harm to others as they thrive on the indulgence of societies understanding.

So by living in the world of my adversaries, I find them with their guards down. I endeavor to ensure justice is carried out. It isn’t up to me to decide their judgment or punishment, but I will do my best to see that they are duly dealt with. My only challenge is to leave their world to them, and return to mine as the sun rises. I have found new strength in identifying their world as a dark, slimy infestation of corruption, immorality and abuse. It is this differentiation that gives me power to succeed, the will to persevere and the drive to fight for those who have been victimized by the tools of my prey…fear. My intolerance of evil is has given me the means to fight injustice, to turn fear against those who prey on the fearful.

Intimidation and surprise afford me an edge. To borrow another quote form Batman “To conquer fear you must become fear, you must bask in the fear of other men. And men fear most what they cannot see.” Fear leads to anger, and it is that anger that gives me the drive to do great or terrible things. With power, comes a higher level of responsibility than some people can bear. The ability to segregate the anger from revenge is what separates the righteous from evil.

Allah akbar

Killeen Texas - Ft. Hood U.S. Army Base - Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a lifelong Muslim born in the United States kills 13 people and wounds 30.  How can this be? On an ARMY BASE for crying out loud!? How is it that a person described as dedicated to his job and patients, responsible and kind, all of a sudden becomes a mass murderer with no regard for people's lives? For me, the big clue comes in the final words of the maniac..."Allah akbar" which means "God is great".  While I agree with the phrase, it is not the same God I worship to whom he is giving praise. It is Allah. So what is it about this religion that makes people so proud and eager to kill Americans? Ok, I get it, they think we are of the devil and sinful people who don't have any morals. But really, what does that have to do with taking others lives? Living in a country where we encourage all sorts of freedoms, being able to praise whomever you want is YOUR business...but when your religion says to kill people...shouldn't we as Americans do something about this?

What I don't get is this: I have a very good friend who is a muslim, but he is kind, considerate, thoughtful and socially adept...so do I need to worry that one day he will attain a certain point in his religion when he graduates to becoming a muss murderer as well? I always agree to disagree, but not to the point where I start mowing down those who are opposite me with automatic weapons and hand grenades and 747's crashing in to buildings killing innocent people.

It just frustrates me to no end when these people kill in the name of God....maybe Allah is a murdering coward, but my God says to forgive, love and be at peace with each other...nothing about spilling brain matter all over the floor due to a judgement they are making.

My heart goes out to those families affected by this lunatic's actions, I do not know if I could handle it knowing a family member of mine fell victim to this. Maybe as a kind act, all muslims could bring dinner to those families who lost loved ones.

Que Saco...

I took Spanish while I was at Belmont College in Nashville and ironically enough, I got an F one semester and the teacher squeezed out a C the next for me. Why is this ironic? I had complained repeatedly why I was being forced to take a language that I would NEVER use! 9 Months later, I was living in Monterrey Mexico wishing I had paid a LOT more attention in class. Then several years later, I married a Mexican who spoke very little English. So now the beauty of being semi-bi-lingual is that I learn the idiosyncrasies of language differences. I had a great friend who was fluent in English, Spanish and Portuguese, she taught me a great phrase they use in Brazil "Que Saco". Basically it means "Oh man, what a drag..." but realistically there is not literal translation, but the phrase is so powerful, I use it often.

All this to say, right now, life is making me say "Que Saco" a lot more than I wish. It is simply amazing the ways that we are attacked by many differing forces, from many differing angles, and most unexpected times. One day, life is good, the next your world is falling apart with no warning. And then what do we have to hold on to? Where do we turn for support? I am not always sure I know how to answer this. And honestly sometimes I feel like I need to suffer the pain to justify the need for a change. Martyr, glutton, whatever you call it, I just look for what works and go with it. Be it right or wrong, I don't know and am not sure that it matters...because what works for one may not work for another. In reality, I don't know how we get along in relationships at ALL when you factor in all the variables of personalities, morals, beliefs, and opinions. It is a miracle anyone stays married if you ask me!

My aunt Lila was married to my Uncle Ted for over 65 years, and all their neighbors commented how they would walk through the neighborhood holding hands and enjoying each other's companionship. As of tonight, Lila is finally together again with Ted in heaven where they don't need to worry about hearing problems, lack of vision or the effort it takes to walk across the room. While it is certainly freeing for them, I will miss them both very much. But how does a couple survive the years of trials they surely experienced, although I VERY rarely ever heard any facsimile of a complaint from either one, and yet remained obviously IN LOVE. Sure someone can COMMIT to being with someone "...in sickness and in health..." but how can they keep that magic in their lives? And be so comfortable with each other until the end? I just hope that I will be able to find that mojo and apply it to my life and wife. Love that endures all, wow, that is truly the miracle.

So in regards to Lila's death tonight: Que Saco. But then again, she is in a much better place than I right now.

Gentle rest Lila, love from all of us and we celebrate your reunion with Ted and the example you left for us all! I love you!

Funkytown...

Have you ever had one of those days when something happens and you know it is going to have a long term affect on your life, but you don't know how? Whatever the event or response, you can feel your subconcience chewing madly at way to deal with it. Well, I have had that for about 2 weeks now. I am not even sure what the trigger was, but there is definitely something brewing. I am sure the final result will include some extent of suppression or agression. Either way, I am just ready to move on past this.

I found out some very sad news last week about a childhood friend who had unexpectantly died. We hadn't spoken in over 25 years, but still, it is a little disconcerting to be counting "down" the people whom I have known that are now dead. High school reunions become like survivor support groups as we recount memories of friends who have passed.

Finding it hard to remain focused or motivated lately. After having had the swine flu a couple weeks ago, now it seems like sleep is my new found vice. I can't get enough and I am even close to sleeping while standing up with my eyes wide open. Hopefully some additional exercise will help slop me out of this goop.